24 reasons tights are the absolute worst
05:17:00
Full disclosure: I spent a full few years wearing only tights, never trousers, on my bottom half.
I gave up jeans after someone I knew proudly proclaimed that wearing jeans and a t-shirt says to the world that you’re a boring person.
I took it to heart, and years of only wearing dresses and skirts followed (I couldn’t find any non-denim trousers that weren’t incredibly unflattering).
And you know what, as fancy and feminine as I felt, the whole experience just made me realise exactly how sh*t tights are. They are the worst and I hate them with the fire of a thousand suns.
Here’s why.
1. They are no friend to muffin tops
They’ll dig into your stomach like wire tightening around your soft, delicate tummy, causing over-spill and destroying your dreams every time you sit down.
2. Ladders are a constant battle
Tights will never have your back. They will always let you down, ripping to shreds just when you need them most.
3. They cause actual physical pain
How many times have YOUR intense stomach cramps turned out to be the fault of a pair of tights? A million? One million times?
4. And when you try those control top ones, the digging in may cease but you then realise you can’t really breathe
Is crushing my internal organs worth it? Is anything worth it when tights exist in the world?
5. No one has a bloody clue what deniers actually mean
Clothing shouldn’t have so many numbers. What am I, some kind of fashion mathematician? Is that even a job? Do you see what you’re doing, tights? Do you see?
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6. No matter what heat-sensor bullsh*t they’re selling, tights provide zero warmth when it’s cold outside.
Oh, thanks, tights. I’m shivering. What a great help job you’re doing at covering my legs and serving as clothing.
7. But somehow function as leg-baking sausage casing when the weather is a tiny bit warm
I’m dying. The tights have succeeded.
8. Fashion people spit on their very existence
Oh, you’re lowering yourself to tights to protect your legs from the cold. You are a weak disgrace to society, get the f*ck out.
9. Like needy children, they constantly need picking up
If I wanted to do an awkward wriggle every time I take a few steps, I would have worn that underwear that looks amazing but always does a lot of riding up into the butt.
I didn’t. So get it the f*ck together, stop needing me to pull you up, and start fending for yourself in this cruel world, tights.
10. They’re incredibly boring
Their most popular type is the semi-opaque black classic. The dullest fashion term in the world.
11. And when you try to branch out with a fun colour, you end up looking like a whimsical elf
Never make the mistake of wearing green tights. Never.
12. And even worse, the patterned ones make you look like you’ve contracted a horrible skin disease all over your legs
Tried to be edgy. Didn’t work.
13. Tights are masters of deception
They lull you into a false sense of security, making you believe your legs are smooth and toned.
Then you take them off. And the true horror of things is revealed.
14. Nude tights are a travesty
No shade of nude tights resembles anyone’s actual skintone, leaving us with weird beige alien limbs.
Even when they do almost resemble an actual human being’s colour, nude tights have a reputation of only being worn by fuddy duddy old ladies. Cool.
15. There is no way to store them
You can’t FOLD tights, really.
So instead you ball them up and hope for the best, knowing that all the pairs of tights in your drawer will magically wriggle themselves into a massive tangled knot while you sleep.
16. Tights become SO gross under the pressure of body heat
Two words: toe sweat.
17. The sizes are confusing and weird
Every other clothing item for women has simple numbers. Tights decided to f*** it all up and go for small and medium.
But not even small, medium, and large. Small-medium, and medium-large. What if I’m just medium, tights? Why are you body-shaming me?
18. And they will never be the right length
Low crotch or a waistline up to your bra.Take your pick. Both are super sexy.
19. When the elastic wears out and suddenly your tights are all saggy around the knees
So attractive.
20. They’re a b*tch to get on and off
Have you ever had one of those sensual moments when you and someone fit are hurriedly tearing off each other’s clothes as you make out?
Tights are here to ruin that.
21. When you accidentally bought footless tights, and everything was the worst
Why are these even a thing? Why is there such evil in the world?
22. They get ruined by boots, which is the MAIN BLOODY THING THEY’RE MEANT TO BE WORN WITH
Ah, my boots have created little bobbles around my calves. How chic.
23. And you can’t wear them with 50% of shoes without looking like a massive knob.
Ballet flats, pumps, trainers. All useless when Winter hits.
24. But worst of all, they’re essential
And no matter how evil and day-ruining they are, they’re our only option when it’s chilly and we want to wear a skirt. Damnit.
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